The Fred Report

 

Go Forth, Take that Thing covered with that Stuff, and Present it to that Guy, so he may Do things with it…

By Swami

Given the right environment, the West River Mudlark Thrush thrived and flourished. Their song was considered beautiful and exotic by a few people, but grotesquely dissatisfying by the rest. Modern recording equipment has shown that the most similar sound to the Mudlark Thrush’s song is a mule being pulled by the ears into another, more painful dimension.

You may not have heard about the Mudlark Thrush, the Black Hills’ most unique flying specimen, and you wouldn’t be the only one to have been ignorant of their prior existence. About fifty years ago, they were hunted by tall, sweaty cavemen.

You seem surprised! Yes, fifty years ago, their were cavemen in the Black Hills. They survived only on the sweet, succulent meat of the Mudlark Thrush. They also prized the beak for its secondary function as an arrowhead. The next Mudlark Thrush to be killed by an arrow usually died from having the beak of its brethren forced through its frail, tiny torso.

Unfortunately, the cavemen hunted the Mudlark Thrush to extinction. This posed a serious problem for the cavemen. They had no other food to eat, so they were forced to find alternate means of survival. A culture was quickly formed that would more easily mesh with the prevailing modern culture. The cavemen began wearing crude hats to cover their necks, and they began to keep large animals inside wooden fences to raise and eat for later.

The cavemen began to miss the only thing that reminded them of home -- the West River Mudlark Thrush’s song. In an effort to remember the song, they searched for and found a myriad of radio stations that played a very nearly accurate representation of the song. This ‘music’ was commonly known as ‘country.’

In the city, most of the modern folks pointed and laughed, saying, “Behold yonder, there dwells a Cave Man. Join me in the jocularity, so we canst drive them hither and thither, toward an end unknown neither to us nor the Man of the Cave, and they will regret their own tragic existence, making us look cool.”

This was not amusing to the cavemen. In fact, it was quite disturbing. They held a region wide meeting to discuss how to make themselves more acceptable to the locals. They decided that having the name of ‘Caveman’ made life more difficult, so after hours and hours of deliberation, they came to the final name of ‘Cowboy.’ And that is how the cowboy came to be in this area.

If you were really offended by that, I don’t care. Email me at ilikefredmail@yahoo.com

Contact: The Aurum

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Last Modified: 02/22/2004